U.S. Institute of Peace defeats DOGE and retakes HQ, finds secret weed dump

Elon Musk’s DOGE will go down in history as one of the most embarrassing and harmful episodes in the history of the U.S. government. The ketamine-addled billionaire was parachuted into the role after handing over $290 million to the Trump 2024 campaign, vowing that he and his enigmatic team of semi-anonymous teenagers would root out $2 trillion in wasteful spending.

He has catastrophically failed, ‘saving’ just $150 billion, and even that came from demolishing critical governmental offices and taking a machete to cutting-edge life-saving scientific research. Now he’s slinking out of the Oval Office with a black eye and a bruised ego, with even Trump himself now dismissing Musk’s promises as “bulls**t”.

So, what were the intrepid teenagers of DOGE up to all this time? Well, DOGE identified the U.S. Institute of Peace, tasked with promoting conflict resolution and prevention worldwide, as something that must be destroyed. They fired all the board members and Trump appointed 28-year-old DOGE member Nate Cavanagh as its president, promptly seizing their headquarters.

Now all that has been reversed. On May 19, a judge ruled that firing the board and seizing the building was illegal, allowing the Institute of Peace staffers to retake their building. And what did they find waiting for them? Judging by this picture, a lot of weed.

WITAODW: Who is the administrator of DOGE’s weed??? pic.twitter.com/vR3cE1n1kG

— Anna Bower (@AnnaBower) June 3, 2025

Yup, it seems that the highly paid DOGE kids who were tasked with making the government more efficient were instead sitting around all day getting high. I’m shocked! Shocked! Well… not that shocked.

If you appoint teens, you get teens

Let’s be fair to the DOGE staffers. First up, weed is indeed legal for recreational use in Washington, DC. Secondly, if your boss is a drug-addled maniac who’s ruined his bladder with ketamine abuse, I guess smoking weed at work suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. Thirdly, and most importantly, if you’re all sitting in a haze of smoke giggling at your favorite Twitch streamers you’re at least not dismantling critical bureaucratic infrastructure.

Presumably, the returning Institute of Peace employees are now opening the windows to let some fresh air in, emptying bins full of Cheeto packets, applying antibacterial cleaning wipes to all surfaces, and maybe just throwing out some of the more suspiciously stained office chairs just to be sure.

If there’s a moral to this story, it’s that if you allow a bunch of giggling teenagers to tear apart the United States’ government, you shouldn’t be surprised when they act like teenagers. Here’s hoping this missing weed can be returned to its rightful owner or, failing that, that some Institute of Peace employee gets to have an extremely relaxed weekend.