‘It’s much too big!’: Goldilocks Trump wails that his Qatar bribe jet isn’t just right

Politicians try so hard to be relatable. Come election season you’ll see them gritting their teeth as they endure hooting morons at state fairs while choking down whatever disgusting deep-fried snack is shoved in their direction. Even Donald Trump isn’t immune to this, doing his best to prove he’s just a regular guy by having a photo shoot of him ‘working’ at McDonald’s in 2024.

These are all lies, and the real measure of how removed politicians are from the lives you and I lead has just been revealed. Jaws were on the floor earlier this month when Trump announced he’d was accepting a $400 million “flying palace” jet from Qatar. Even his closest allies were disgusted, rightly pointing out that it leaves him wide open to foreign influence.

Said plane has now been delivered, and Trump is doing his best Goldilocks impression. The existing Air Force One was too small, but this new plane is too big! Trump took time to moan about its size, grousing, “It’s too big, frankly, it’s much too big.”

To be fair, it is big. Out of the kindness of their hearts alone, the Qataris gifted Trump a Boeing 747-8, a stretch model of the Jumbo Jet that’s 18 feet longer than the current Air Force One. Once you consider the obvious strings attached to this suspicious gift from a foreign power, it’s even longer still! This extra length also makes it inconvenient to use as Air Force One, as it restricts the number of runways it can safely land on.

How much is this costing us?

Regardless, Trump’s new toy will now be re-fitted at taxpayers’ expense “to military standard”. Trump was asked how much that would cost, but said he didn’t know. And really, why would he care? After all, for him, public money is a bottomless well he can use to pay for fancy birthday parades or festooning the Oval Office with gold ornaments.

Perhaps there’d be an argument that accepting the plane would be a smart move if it were to become Air Force One for future presidents. Unfortunately for the nation, the plane will stop being Air Force One the minute Trump leaves the presidency and then become the Trump family’s private jet, meaning a future president will then have to pay out for another new Air Force One.

So, uh, Mr President, how’s that draining the swamp thing going? Because things are looking pretty darn swampy right now!