Elon Musk left miserable, resentful, bitter after Wisconsin judge election bribe plan craters

Ugh! What’s the point in being the richest man alive if you can’t even buy a stupid Wisconsin Supreme Court race!? It’s safe to say last night wasn’t great for Elon Musk, who had billed an election for a seat on the Wisconsin Supreme Court (not generally global news) as a race that “might decide the future of America and western civilization”.

Here’s hoping he’s right! The election was positioned as a miniature referendum on the popularity of the Trump/Musk White House, and the court will become a battleground for cases on abortion and collective bargaining rights. Musk poured a colossal $20 million into an effort to get the far-right judge Brad Schimel over the victory line, repeating his legally and morally dubious tactics of paying individual voters $1 million apiece.

Musk: Losing this judge race has good chance of causing Republicans to lose control of the house. You lose control of the house, there will be nonstop impeachment hearings and subpoenas

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— Acyn (@acyn.bsky.social) April 1, 2025 at 10:20 PM

All that money has vanished in a fit of hubris, as liberal judge Susan Crawford trounced Musk’s candidate, leading him by around 10% in the polls. In a funny twist, the deeply unpopular Musk’s direct involvement appears to have catastrophically backfired, with Wisconsinites trekking to the polls to protest vote against his candidate.

All of which means it was probably a lucrative night for Musk’s ketamine dealers, as judging by his X posts, the billionaire promptly collapsed into a bitter pile of steaming resentment, doubtless cursing the idiot Wisconsinites who disagreed with his gleaming vision. In a jaw-droppingly hypocritical claim for someone who’s spent the last few weeks offering voters a million bucks, he said his defeat was a result of “corruption”:

The long con of the left is corruption of the judiciary

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 2, 2025

He immediately fell back on very silly (and very tired) conspiracy theories, insinuating he only lost due to the sinister machinations of George Soros. Elon, buddy, you can’t float conspiracy theories about unaccountable billionaires using their vast wealth to influence elections and pervert democracy to their ends.

Amazing https://t.co/81e73VpDYA

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 2, 2025

Dude, look in the mirror! You are an unaccountable billionaire using your vast wealth to influence elections and pervert democracy to your own ends! C’mon!

Fortunately for Musk and his minders, the good stuff appears to have finally kicked in. In the middle of the night, he reverted to the nonsensical blather he excels at, gabbling about “biological bootloaders” like that one person at a party you really don’t want to get cornered by:

As I mentioned several years ago, it increasingly appears that humanity is a biological bootloader for digital superintelligence

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 2, 2025

So here’s to Wisconsin, who saw through Musk’s shabby attempts to pervert their politics and delivered a firm boot to his bloated backside.