Billionaires pummelled as Trump tariff chaos annihilates stock market

Won’t someone please spare a thought for our unfortunate billionaires? Donald Trump‘s chaotic tariffs went off like a dirty bomb in global stock exchanges yesterday, with financial charts all showing catastrophic declines reminiscent of the 2008 market crash or the rise of COVID.

But, unlike those two financial disasters, yesterday’s debacle wasn’t the result of accumulated years of bad bets or a black swan global event, but entirely down to one man. As the markets closed, white-faced investors, brokers, and economists were left staring down the barrel of a jaw-dropping $2.4 trillion loss. This potentially gives Trump the all-time historical record of a person burning the most money in a single day.

Everyone on the planet will be affected by Trump’s tariffs in some way, whether it be through rising consumer prices, governments being forced to cut spending, or job losses in industries that import goods into the United States.

But, as always, the real victims in all this have been the unfortunate billionaires, who may have to skip out on that coveted ivory backscratcher, solid gold toilet, or that one Picasso that’d really bring their private art gallery together.

As per Bloomberg, the world’s 500 richest people saw their combined wealth shrinking by $208 billion. Plus, and this is definitely the time to break out the tiny violin, US tech billionaires were among the hardest hit. Say it ain’t so!

Mark Zuckerberg was the biggest casualty, and is now practically a pauper after the stock market slide cost him $17.9 billion. He’ll have some company down on the bread line, as Jeff Bezos lost $15.9 billion, and Elon Musk lost $11 billion. Musk alone has lost $110 billion as a result of Trump’s policies since the inauguration. Keep an eye out for their GoFundMe campaigns soon and, if you have a heart, chip in a few bucks to keep food on their tables.

All three of these men dutifully lined up behind Trump at his inauguration, whooping and cheering as he once again took office. We suspect Bezos and Zuckerberg may be feeling some buyer’s remorse, perhaps wistfully staring at a faded picture of Kamala Harris and wondering “What if..?”. Meanwhile, Musk has his snout firmly in the trough, having neatly positioned himself to eventually profit from everyone else’s future poverty.

Trump couldn’t be happier. As the dust settled on this chaos, he was asked how it was going. “Very well!”. He cheerfully added: “The markets are going to boom, the stocks are going to boom, the country is going to boom.” Possibly he’s right, though the chance of those “booms” being literal explosions is rising by the hour.

To his credit, Trump has achieved in a single day what decades of anti-capitalist protests and left-wing agitation couldn’t. Perhaps nobody in history has financially harmed billionaires more than he has! If only he could limit the damage he inflicts to them alone…