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The misogynistic dumpster fire known as Donald Trump has a critical announcement for America’s women. And you better believe it’s earth-shattering because he screamed it in ALL CAPS!
Regaling us with the tale of Haitian immigrants hosting Michelin-starred pet-meat feasts — yes, dogs, cats, and presumably even goldfish if we follow the logic of his culinary xenophobia — to his rallies putting MLK Jr.’s to shame (despite Trump waving to non-existent crowds), Trump has never moved from his fantastical claims. In between verbal switcheroos involving electric boats and sharks and pondering whether he was hotter now or before (spoiler alert: neither), the tangerine tyrant is now accusing Democrats of advocating for the “execution of babies after birth.”
In the same breath, he promises that women, who are apparently “depressed and unhappy” under the current administration, will be frolicking in a post-abortion wonderland once he’s back in the Oval Office. Trump, smugly taking credit for eviscerating Roe v. Wade and ripping away women’s bodily autonomy, now has the audacity to claim that he will “PROTECT WOMEN AT A LEVEL NEVER SEEN BEFORE.” In a frenzied Truth Social post, the caps lock connoisseur shrieked about women being poorer, less safe, less optimistic, and more depressed than four years ago. Just ask Marjorie Taylor Greene, who’s reportedly so depressed over Trump’s nosediving 2024 chances that she’s resorted to rage-blowing up cars in her downtime.
Clearly, Trump believes he has his tiny hands firmly grasping the pulse of American womanhood, as he unveils a bulletproof scheme to “FIX ALL OF THAT, AND FAST.” Once he’s back on his gilded throne, women will be so euphoric they won’t even remember what abortion is, thanks to the Orange Overlord leaving it up to the states to decide. Problem solved! Except, of course, for the minor detail that his loyal lapdog, Viper Vance, previously hinted that Trump would gleefully rubber-stamp a nationwide abortion ban. But consistency is for losers, right?
Naturally, no Trump diatribe would be finished without a preposterous accusation. Cue his claim that Democrats demand “EXECUTION OF A BABY AFTER BIRTH.” This might just be Trump’s most colossal lie yet, surpassing even his delusion that he, not Newton, uncovered gravity by watching his approval ratings plummet. But hey, he did once boast about having “MIT genes,” so who are we to doubt his mastery of, well, everything?
In truth, Trump’s caps lock catastrophe reads more like a pathetic plea for female voters’ attention. As Vice President Kamala Harris relentlessly pummels him on reproductive rights, Trump appears to be flailing wildly to salvage his image with women. Despite the nationwide abortion ban bluff, the flip-flopper-in-chief later moonwalked back on that stance during the ABC News debate.
Perhaps this abrupt fixation on women’s welfare is merely a smokescreen to dazzle his new “Cleopatra,” who has morphed into Trump’s ever-present shadow at rallies, debates, and even grim memorials. However, the guerrilla journalist should take a page from Olivia Nuzzi’s misadventures with RFK Jr. and realize that danger often lurks behind coquettish glances and whispered sweet nothings.