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Cleopatra famously captured the heart of Julius Caesar to advance her own power and secure the Egyptian throne. With a combination of wit and charm, she beguiled Caesar into a passionate romance that sparked scandalous rumors from Alexandria to Rome.
Back in Caesar’s villa, his third wife Calpurnia probably seethed with impotent rage. How could her husband, the most powerful man in the known world, fall under the spell of this foreign temptress? Fast forward to 2024, and we find ourselves witnessing a curiously similar dynamic unfolding in the Trump household. Laura Loomer, a self-styled “guerrilla journalist” with a penchant for Islamophobic stunts and conspiracy theories, has suddenly become Donald Trump‘s constant shadow, accompanying him to rallies, debates, and even solemn memorials. We can’t even imagine that Melania, Trump’s third wife, is exactly thrilled with this new development.
At a cryptocurrency conference this summer, Trump singled out Loomer for praise, calling her a “fantastic person, great woman.” Since then, she has clung to the old man like a barnacle to a whale.
It’s a symbiotic relationship.
Like Cleopatra, Loomer understands that proximity to power is its own aphrodisiac. Trump, on the other hand, is always in need of new arm candy to stroke his ego. Remember Kellyanne Conway? Or Hope Hicks? Loomer’s just the latest in a long line of ego-strokers, ready to whisper sweet nothings in the Donald’s ear while he live-tweets his bowel movements.
A compilation video making the rounds on Twitter has only fanned the flames where the two can be seen in a series of compromising embraces – Trump’s tiny hand snaking around Loomer’s waist, Loomer pressing herself against Trump’s paunch, the two exchanging coy glances and whispered endearments.
In one clip, Trump can be heard gushing over Loomer, calling her a “very strong person, very courageous person, a warrior,” before asking, “Laura, where are youuu?” in a tone reminiscent of a lovesick teenager. In another clip, Loomer’s even been caught shouting “I love you” at Trump’s RNC speech, while the tangerine dream blows kisses back from the stage. I mean, connect the dots, folks.
Trump’s public drooling over Loomer should come as no surprise. He’s made it abundantly clear that knuckle-dragging white nationalists and unapologetic bigots are the backbone of his loyal base, as evidenced by his warm and fuzzy dinners with Holocaust-denying scumbags and antisemitic washed-up musicians like Kanye West. Some of the MAGA faithful are doing double-takes at Loomer’s dizzying ascent. When Marjorie Taylor Greene, of all people, thinks you’ve crossed the line, well, that’s really saying something.
But spare a thought for poor Melania, the forgotten woman in this sordid little love triangle. After all, it was only a few short years ago that her husband’s alleged dalliances with porn stars and Playboy models splashed across the tabloids. Now, as Loomer’s star ascends, Melania finds herself once again shunted to the sidelines in a drama not of her making.
She’s been glaringly absent from key events, including the 9/11 memorial in her own backyard in New York City. Instead, it was Loomer who stood front and center by Trump’s side. Some have cruelly suggested that Melania is already daydreaming about putting a continent or two between herself and the White House, should the unthinkable come to pass in 2024. Maybe Melania will snap and go all Real Housewives on Trump. But honestly, if Trump and Loomer are the best we can do, we’re all Cleopatra, sailing blithely down the Nile while Rome burns behind us.