Watching your favorite movies abroad? Don’t forget to get your Aeroshield smart DNS to access any geo-restricted content.
Sabrina Carpenter’s latest album Short n’ Sweet arrived to much fanfare this month, capitalizing on the success of her smash hit single “Espresso”, which incidentally has seen this writer repeat the line “‘cuz I’m a singerrr” more times than he’d care to admit.
Naturally, the reaction to the pop star’s 12-track album has been predictably feverish, not least because it references her boyfriend Barry Keoghan and spawned a music video featuring Jenna Ortega.
In celebration of the release and in the spirit of keeping it Short n’ Sweet, we’re diving right into the cheekiest lyrics from each track on the album, since this is a singer who has turned raunchy innuendos into a bonafide artform.
“You’re wonderin’ why half his clothes went missin’/ My body’s where they’re at” — “Taste”
The album’s first song introduces a love triangle that reappears all throughout the tracklist, as Carpenter warns her boyfriend’s new lover that she’ll always be “one degree of separation” from her. It’s why telling the new lover — portrayed by Ortega in the accompanying “Taste” music video — that she’s wearing her boyfriend’s clothes is the ultimate clap back.
“I heard that you’re an actor, so act like a stand-up guy” — “Please Please Please”
We get our first apparent reference to Keoghan on track two, when Carpenter warns her actor boyfriend to “act like a stand-up guy”. It’s a song in which she hopes for a man not to embarrass her, even going as far as to forbid him from going outside and confine him to a bedroom where “the ceiling fan is so nice.” It’s Sabrina, so of course there’ll be multiple lyrics to giggle at within the same song.
“I’ll tell the world you finish your chores prematurely” — “Good Graces”
Yet another warning to a potential lover, “Good Graces” is laced with so many razor-sharp barbs it’s difficult to pick the most eviscerating one. In the second verse, when describing what she’ll do if a partner messes up, Carpenter says she’ll tell everyone they “finish [their] chores prematurely” — with chores being a euphemism for sex. Leave it to Sabrina to turn someone’s poor (and short-lived) performance into a punchline about housework.
While “Sharpest Tool” largely avoids the innuendos in favor of bluntness, the track — rumored to be about fellow singer Shawn Mendes — candidly dresses down a partner who found some divine intervention at their “ex’s house.” Naturally, the partner (ahem, Mendes), keeps his phone screen concealed to avoid Carpenter spotting a notification from their ex, a relationship dynamic that our grandparents enviably never had to endure.
“Your car drove itself from L.A. to her thighs” — “Coincidence”
We’re up to track five and Carpenter’s boyfriend is still messing around with someone else, all while feigning that his reconnection with an ex is simply coincidental. So coincidental, in fact, that his car simply “drove itself” away from Carpenter and straight “to her thighs”. Funny that.
“Where art thou? Why not uponeth me?” — “Bed Chem”
The album’s clearest reference to Keoghan with its mention of a lover with a “thick accent”, “Bed Chem” is also the horniest. So feverish is her lust that she’s adopted Shakespearean levels of excitement, repurposing a line from Romeo and Juliet. “Where art thou?,” she coos, “Why not uponeth me?”. How come my English teacher never told me Shakespeare could be this raunchy?
“Move it up, down, left, right, oh/ Switch it up like Nintendo” — “Espresso”
Who knew Carpenter was a gamer? On the album’s lead single, she likens changing positions in bed to switching it “like Nintendo”, giving a whole new meaning to why Mario is so hell-bent on locating Peach,
“[You] jack off to lyrics by Leonard Cohen” — “Dumb & Poetic”
The album’s eighth track offers an unflattering portrait of the supposedly “soft and well-spoken” boy, the type who does meditation, reads self-help books, and goes on life-changing mushroom trips. Naturally, he’s also the type to “jack off to lyrics by Leonard Cohen”, since he’s totally a poet at heart. Spare me.
“This boy doesn’t even know the difference between ‘there,’ ‘their’ and ‘they are’ — “Slim Pickins”
By the time we reach “Slim Pickins”, Sabrina is so out of options romantically that she’s forced to date someone who has terrible grammar (a particular irk for this writer). Possessive pronouns are tricky, I guess?
“I might let you make me Juno” — “Juno”
Referencing the 2007 film of the same name, “Juno” sees Carpenter pine for the kind of love-making session that’ll result in her being impregnated. Yeah, it’s that straightforward.
“We love to mistake butterflies for cardiac arrest” — “Lie To Girls”
This isn’t so much cheeky as it is a clever play on words, but Sabrina’s confession that she mistakes inevitable heartbreak for an innocent crush had us all in our feels. Been there, girl.
“Don’t smile because it happened, cry because it’s over” — “Don’t Smile”
Dr. Seuss had it all wrong, at least according to the album’s final track. Sabrina flips the popular adage on its head, choosing not to look on the bright side about someone who screwed her over. Honestly, all power to her.