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As 2023 came to a close, Universal Pictures did the impossible. After years spent dominating the box office, Disney was laid low, with receipts that put them in second place behind Universal for the year.
But it’s not enough for Universal to beat Disney. They must become Disney. They must look out from behind Disney’s eyes and understand what it is to be their prey. Universal has already emulated their old rival in so many ways: They tried to make their own MCU with the Dark Universe, and they tried to recreate the experience of seeing Fantasia with a head injury in 2019’s CATS. Now, it’s time for them to take the next step. Like Disney, they must milk their stable of animated IPs for ill-advised, frequently joyless live-action adaptations through their frequent release partners at DreamWorks. Here are a few of the best and most obvious candidates.
Shrek
It’s important to acknowledge that a live-action Shrek would have its shortcomings. The filmmakers would be pretty well pigeonholed: They’d either wind up painting a guy green and gluing funnels to the sides of his head a la that Shrek the Musical thing from a few years ago, or they’d have to make a computer generated version of the character, at which point, why bother doing a live-action adaptation at all?
But let’s talk about the upsides to making a live-action Shrek: There are upsides to making a live-action Shrek. We’re sure there are. While we think of some, here are some other ideas.
Shark Tale
Sure, a lot of people might look at 2004’s Shark Tale and see an unsalvageable, paint-by-numbers stab at riding the wave of CGI fish enthusiasm from Pixar’s Finding Nemo. Want to know what I see? A blue, hastily computer-generated Will Smith, floating eerily and perpetuating dishonesty – essentially, this movie was 75% of the way to being the live-action Aladdin, 15 years early. If Aladdin made a billion dollars, and Shark Tale was three-quarters of Aladdin, then by the Hollywood calculus of not thinking things through very thoroughly, a live-action Shark Tale would make $750 million in ticket sales alone. Sure, it’ll be hard to get Robert De Niro to shoot 10-hour days submerged in a pool now that he’s 80 years old, but it was probably hard to get him to make The War with Grandpa, too. The best things in life are worth the effort.
Madagascar
There were a lot of lessons that Hollywood learned from 2019’s record-setting The Lion King remake. They learned that the definition of the phrase “live-action” is as solid as the inside of a lava lamp, and that photorealism is an acceptable substitute for fun when it comes to animals with celebrity voices going on adventures. All of this, plus a sobering reminder that Jada Pinkett-Smith and Chris Rock made a bunch of kids’ movies together, could be ours with a Madagascar franchise remake. Picture it: A true-to-life CGI zebra singing the Circus Afro song, his eyes glassy and expressionless. That’s what audiences are looking for.
Rise of the Guardians
Do you remember Rise of the Guardians? It came out in 2012 and starred Alec Baldwin as a hardened, tattooed, sword fighting Russian Santa Claus, heading up an Avengers-style team of public domain childhood figures that included the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the Sandman. It was DreamWorks’ Dark Universe, but for kids, and with a deeper vein of sadness running through it. Anyway, it was an all-star cast that included Hugh Jackman, Jude Law, and Isla Fisher. You could probably get all of them back to play the parts they voiced more than a decade ago. Maybe a live-action, physically violent Alec Baldwin Santa Claus is what the franchise needed to get kids interested in the first place. Kids love Glengarry Glen Ross.
The Road to El Dorado
Was The Road to El Dorado well-received when it careened into theaters in 2000? No, it wasn’t, but that’s not the important question. The important question is “was The Road to El Dorado a smash box office success?” The answer to that is “Also no.”
And sure, maybe 2024 isn’t the right time to tell a story about a pair of European liars posing as gods in order to take advantage of an Indigenous population, with the majority of their marks accepting their behavior in the end because, hey, we all do that sort of thing from time to time. Maybe we’re only bringing up the possibility of a live-action The Road to El Dorado adaptation for the same reason that some people throw lit matches out of their car windows and drive away without ever looking back to see the damage that they’ve caused. Maybe it just feels good to feel anything.
Antz
Okay, we’ve been thinking up examples of what would be good about a live-action Shrek, and here’s what we came up with: Sophia Lillis from It: Chapter One and Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves would be great as Fiona, and a remake might do for “All Star” by Smash Mouth what Stranger Things did for “Running Up That Hill.” That’s it, that’s all we’ve got.
As for reasons why a live-action version of Woody Allen’s Antz would be a good idea, we’ll have to get back to you.