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Across four movies, National Lampoon’s Vacation, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and even Vegas Vacation, we’ve gone on a hilarious trip with the Griswold family. For clarity, we’re not including the 2015 reboot of the series, but we are digging through some of the best quotes from the original movies in the franchise on this list.
Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now. – Christmas Vacation
Cousin Eddie, played by Randy Quaid, is the bane of Clark Griswold’s existence. When he shows up unannounced for the Christmas celebration in Christmas Vacation, Clark (Chevy Chase) remarks just how surprised (and annoyed) he is to see him.
Sorry folks, park’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya. – National Lampoon’s Vacation
The best cameo role in the whole series is John Candy as the hapless security guard at Wally World when the Griswolds show up at the closed park. After Clark punches the moose in the face, Candy is there to tell that they should have listened to the defaced mascot.
And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? – Christmas Vacation
In a movie chock full of hilarious moments inside the Griswold home, one of the funniest exchanges of the movie happens in the house next door. When the yuppie neighbors, played by Nicholas Guest and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, arrive home to discover their window broken, the stereo trashed, and a mysterious wet carpet, they argue over how it could have happened.
I haven’t seen a beatin’ like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose. – Vegas Vacation
Eddie sure has a way with words, doesn’t he? Vegas Vacation doesn’t have many hilarious lines, but this is one of the best, and it’s easily the most quotable from the whole movie.
Hey look kids, there’s Big Ben, and there’s Parliament… again. – National Lampoon’s European Vacation
It’s easy to make the argument that European Vacation is the weakest of the original movies (though Vegas Vacation is probably weaker), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have some of the most memorable lines, like this one. How many times have you quoted this one? We’ll bet it’s a lot.
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? – Christmas Vacation
For pretty much all of Christmas Vacation, Clark is trying to figure out a way to get rid of Eddie and his family. It starts on the very first night he arrives as Clark refills Eddie’s drink and offers a lot more.
Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death? – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Aunt Edna (Imogene Coca) is a miserable relative who makes life harder for everyone she is around. The audience gets their first taste of Edna when she sits down at the picnic table at Eddie’s house for lunch. Edna immediately makes it known that she’s ready for lunch in the most unpleasant way.
Do you want that in the can? – National Lampoon’s European Vacation
The one thing that makes European Vacation so memorable is all the lines you can use in real life. None more so than the one that Chevy Chase delivers when he’s asked if he’d like his soft drink in the can. He looks to the lavatory and replies that he’ll take it in his seat.
I don’t know if I oughta go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. – Christmas Vacation
Eddie has a lot of problems. One of them happens to be a plate in his head. Instead of metal, however, it’s plastic. This is one of the rare occasions when Eddie actually makes a smart decision and decides not to follow Clark with adding some cooking oil to his sled. It doesn’t end for Clark.
You’re the gourmet around here, Ed… Real tomato ketchup, Eddie? – National Lampoon’s Vacation
The barbecue at Eddie’s house is a nightmare we’re all terrified of having to live through in real life. From hand-mixed punch to the hamburger helper to the “real” tomato ketchup. One thing is for sure, Eddie is no gourmet.
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. – Christmas Vacation
One of the most underrated movies in the franchise is when Eddie is explaining why the older kids we all met in the first movie aren’t around in Christmas Vacation. His son has joined the carnival and his daughter is in rehab. Classic Eddie.
Oh are you happy now Clark? She’s deaf. – National Lampoon’s Vacation
One of the many places where the Griswolds stop in Vacation is the cheesy tourist trap of Dodge City. The old-timey Western town features an equally cheesy old-timey saloon where Clark gets a little too into the role-playing and the bartender fires a blank at him. Of course, he’s fine, but as Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo) points out, their daughter Audrey is deaf.
You guys are growing up so fast, I hardly recognize you anymore! – Vegas Vacation
Despite popular belief, Vegas Vacation does have some pretty funny moments. One of those is a real meta moment when Clark makes a passing remark about how he hardly recognizes his kids anymore. This is, of course, a sly inside joke about how Audrey and Russ are played by different characters in each movie.
If that cat had nine lives, he just spent ’em all. – Christmas Vacation
You have to hand it to Eddie, sometimes he knows exactly what he is talking about. Take, for example, when the cat is electrocuted under a chair after gnawing on the Christmas tree lights. It was one of the more controversial moments in the movie, but audiences loved it.
I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don’t you, Clark? – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Eddie doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, he actually doesn’t have any money. When stuck in that situation, you have to make lemonade out of lemons… or in this case, hamburgers out of hamburger helper. Ellen smartly doesn’t let Clark eat anything but the toasted bun.
I can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come – Christmas Vacation
Clark is always astounded when Eddie is around and their back-and-forths in Christmas Vacation are among the best in the whole series. It plays right into Chevy Chase’s strengths as a complete smart-aleck.
Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! – Christmas Vacation
Clark’s meltdown that the Christmas Vacation is one for the ages. After his boss, played by Brian Doyle Murray, stiffs Clark on his Christmas bonus, he completely loses it. Unfortunately, one family member takes him seriously and it almost ends with a trip to jail.
Nothing to be proud of Russ… – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Easily one of the most quotable lines in the movie comes after Clark missed the “road ending” signs and launches the car off the end of the highway and gets some serious distance on the jump. Russ (Anthony Michael Hall) is impressed, though Clark insists it’s nothing to be proud of, even though he clearly is pleased with himself for it.
You don’t know when to quit, do ya Griswold? Here’s an idea: Why don’t you give me half the money you were gonna bet? Then, we’ll go out back, I’ll kick you in the nuts, and we’ll call it a day! – Vegas Vacation
It’s always a pleasure when the great Wallace Shawn shows up in a supporting role. In fact, he’s probably the funniest part of Vegas Vacation, with all due respect to Wayne Newton. As the movie goes on, Clark gets more and more desperate as he gambles away his family’s life savings. Wallace doesn’t care, in fact, he only goads him more, the more Clark loses.
She queens… and vacuums. – National Lampoon’s European Vacation
Despite Clark Griswold being the quintessential dad, he has surprisingly few pure “dad jokes.” One major exception is his joke as they drive by Buckingham Palace in European Vacation.
Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. – Christmas Vacation
By the end of the movie, Clark is in full meltdown. As evident by this rant as everyone is threatening to leave before Christmas Eve is even over.
Speak the language, they’re going to be very nice – National Lampoon’s European Vacation
It’s become a trope – the rude waiter in Paris. That’s not to say it’s never true, because it does happen. It happens in an over-the-top way to the family Griswold as they try to enjoy lunch under the Eiffel Tower when they have possibly the rudest waiter in all of France, despite, or perhaps because of, Clark’s terrible attempt at France.
I owe it to myself to tell you that if you’re taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it. – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Schitt’s Creek cast member Eugene Levy only has a small role in the original Vacation but it’s one of the most memorable. Levy plays the scummy car dealer who tricks Clark into buying a car he doesn’t want. In fact, he sells him the ugliest car ever built. But it’s one he’d take… if you can believe him.
Grace? She passed away thirty years ago. – Christmas Vacation
Clark’s Aunt Bethany (Mae Questel) has pretty much lost all her marbles. When asked to give the blessing for the meal, she thinks the family is asking about one of her only friends who died decades earlier. Poor Bethany. And poor Grace.
Now in order to get to your rooms, you’re going to have to go this way through the casino, veer to the left. Take a sharp right at the first giant palm tree. You’ll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps, blackjack. Keep going, then wind around to your left. If you get to the pool, you’ve gone too far – Vegas Vacation
Everyone who has ever been to Las Vegas has heard something like this when checking in. The key is not to start gambling before you at least find your room. It’s easy to find the casino.
Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs. – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Cousin Catherine (Miriam Flynn) has a tough life, after all, she needs to live with her husband Eddie all the time. But, on the positive side, after she has her next baby, she can quit one of her jobs. Just one though.
He oughta know it’s illegal. That’s a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it. – Christmas Vacation
Here it is, the most famous scene in all of the movies. Eddie, in his bathrobe, doing unspeakable things with the wastewater in his RV. His line is one of the most quotable lines of the movie, but in order to keep things family-friendly, we went with Clark’s more underrated part of the exchange.
The dog wet on the picnic basket. – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Along with Aunt Edna joining the Griswolds on their drive west is her dog, Dinky. Calling Dinky undisciplined is putting things mildly. At one point he even relieves himself on the family’s lunch. Edna doesn’t seem to mind, though Clark embarrasses himself while showing off.
Eddie, has anyone ever told you you’re bad luck? – Vegas Vacation
In three of the four movies, Cousin Eddie does nothing but make life terrible for Clark and his family. In Vegas Vacation, that means putting the hex on Clark’s gambling, at least, that’s what Clark thinks. He’s not afraid to tell him how terrible Eddie is.
I gotta be crazy, I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! – National Lampoon’s Vacation
In every Vacation movie, there is a point where Clark Griswold just loses it completely. In the first movie, it’s a total classic in the car as he not-so-gently explains to his family that they aren’t giving up, ever.
Kent, I believe the pyramidal tracks are housing development outside of Cairo. – National Lampoon’s European Vacation
The opening scene in European Vacation finds the Griswolds one a ridiculous game show dressed in pig costumes. They are up against a family of academics and don’t seem to have a chance. Clark’s answer to a question about the pyramidal tracks proves it. (They are part of the human brain).
I don’t know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father… may be going away for a little while. – National Lampoon’s Vacation
After Clark loses it in Christmas Vacation and Eddie kidnaps his boss, Ellen explains to Russ that things might not turn out ok. Luckily they do.